Please don't use social media to get back at me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
