he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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