can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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