also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
