Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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