I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
