I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
