Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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