My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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