1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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