so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
