He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize