My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
