Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
