She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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