got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
