Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
