So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
