I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
