no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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