Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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