if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
BRING THE BAGELS
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
