Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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