no, he came in my armpit
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
