I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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