I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize