Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
