The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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