Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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