Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
