Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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