remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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