i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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