My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
