You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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