Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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