The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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