If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
