Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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