Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We are all done wearing pants today
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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