It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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