did you get engaged???
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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