why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
