I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
