are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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