all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
