i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
