Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
