I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
