I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
