Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
