All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
