Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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