his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize