just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
