She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
