Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
