I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
