Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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