I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
