there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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